This happens to me quite often: hearing snippets of conversations between Ukrainians – usually groups of women and children – while standing in que at a supermarket or walking in the park. It has already become commonplace. And I am so caught up in my own thoughts and worries that I don’t bother noticing other people’s problems.
Lately, however, the following question has begun to gnaw at me: what is life like for someone who has fled war and is living in a foreign country, far away from home? I mean everyday life, in all of its “trivial” dimension, different from those dramatic stories that caught the attention of many of us at the start of the war.
That’s how I ended up talking to Olena Ilienko, an actress and a medical gymnastics specialist. Olena is from Kiev and has been living in Bucharest for over a year now. She told me about the art projects in which she was involved in Bucharest, about her Romanian origins, about how psychotherapy has helped her lately and the importance of support groups, but also about how painful homesickness can be. But what impressed me about Olena is her positive and upbeat tone. She is looking for solutions, for ways to get through the hard times and not let herself get knocked down. Solutions she would like to share with others. And beyond all that, she is trying to find joy in little things of the daily life. Something we can all learn from.
I transcribed the interview in the first person and edited it for clarity purposes.
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“I was in Kiev on February 23, 2022. I had a pantomime show scheduled that night with a company that included several actresses of my age. Women in their 50s and 60s, acting a little crazy. After the show I got home and went to sleep. My home is about 80 km away from Kiev. I have a garden there, a place I have always liked thinking of as my retreat space! I slept so soundly that I didn’t even hear the first blasts in the early hours. Instead, I had a dream: I was in a room, and through that room door you could step outside. I opened the door and I could see nothing. It was pitch-black. But I didn’t step into the darkness, I didn’t go there.
I woke up around 7 am and noticed there were about ten missed calls from my daughter. I immediately understood what it was all about.
I left with my daughter and our dog towards western Ukraine and we arrived at a small town on the Polish border. We were there for about a week. The plan was to go to Bucharest where our Romanian family were waiting for us. Only, at the last minute, my daughter changed her mind, just half an hour before we were due to leave for the railway station.
I think she had planned this earlier, but she told me nothing. I think she wanted to get rid of her mommy (laughs). She probably wanted to make sure I would get to a safe place and then she would go back to Kiev.
I was also about to cancel the trip, but my cousin in Romania had taken some time off and travelled across the country where he would pick us up and take both of us to Bucharest. It wouldn’t have been polite for me not to go. So, I left for Romania with my dog, but I was extremely angry with my daughter. She returned to Kiev, where she is even now.
We arrived at Bucharest, to my cousin’s place where his family welcomed us with an open heart. They put me up in excellent conditions, including a room of my own. They are wonderful people! A few months later, I found out his wife had a pet allergy, but she said nothing about it and didn’t complain at all. I stayed there for a while and they helped me find a job. It wasn’t my field, but I made the best of it. I worked there for three months, as per contract. The pay was ok, people there were eager to help, but it wasn’t right for me. Then I moved in with my aunt in Drumul Taberei, where I am still living now.
Some people wonder how come I can speak Romanian so well. It’s a part of family history. My mother was born in Bucharest and got her degree in the Soviet Union, in Moscow. There she met her future husband. That is my father, a Ukrainian. He was a cinematographer, but later he also got a degree in directing. They got married and she settled there. They moved to Kiev and both worked in the film industry. Obviously, my mother kept in touch with her family in Romania. Sometimes they would come to visit us in Kiev, we saw each other on holidays and so on. That’s why we still have family here today. My aunt, the one I’m living with, is my mother’s sister.
Being born in a family of filmmakers, I ended up following in their footsteps. I graduated Acting at the Department of Theatre and Film and did around 30 roles. Mostly in film, theatre not so much. Aside from my artistic activity, I gradually became more interested in medical gymnastics – I mean movement therapy – which I studied in France and I now teach. I have given many classes and workshops over the last 30 years, and I still do so in Romania as part of projects organised by various associations. I kept thinking about how I could be useful to the Ukrainians coming here to Romania and I realised that I could help others – women, teenagers and children using my experience in this area. The goal is to help people get better at coping with stress. Because stress is a big concern to many Ukrainians in these complicated times. And then we need to address specific issues, for example: What can we do to improve sleep quality? Then I suggest various relaxation and breathing techniques to the people I work with, often small things, but they can be useful when facing hardships. We also have other activities, some of them quite fun, which is also important, because this way these women can relax and put some distance between them and their worries for an hour or two.
Sometimes I also work as an interpreter for psychologists in support groups for Ukrainians. And I have to say that I have done and continue to do therapy. I am doing therapy online with a Ukrainian who is now in London. Because, as my therapist explained to me, this war has activated several things in us. Things all of us already had, that were a part of us. If someone had, for example, an anxiety and depression background, the war amplified these conditions to higher levels. Paradoxically, this is a good time to work on yourself and clear up unresolved issues from the past. And it’s great that we Ukrainians are able to participate in so many activities and support groups, we are getting high quality help. And for free at that! I know many people who have come out of depressive states with the help received from therapists in Romania.
Obviously, the way you relate to the place matters too. I really like Bucharest, it’s a fairytale city. Especially in the spring. I love the architecture here! I like everything! Even the transport. Okay, I’m overdoing it a bit. There are things that are less than great. The noise is annoying, for example, and the fact that I don’t have a spot just my own where I could retreat, like my garden at home. One of my constant worries is: who will mow my lawn this year? Last year I paid someone to do it, but they didn’t finish the job. This year I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I can’t sleep as I imagine the untamed grass that keeps growing and growing. And the neighbours who can see this, realise no one is living there. It is a fixation of mine. And, yes, I still get very homesick, it comes in like an all-encompassing wave and I am at loss as to what to do. I try not to think about it. I try so hard not to think about it that sometimes I can’t remember what my kitchen looks like.
I haven’t travelled to Ukraine at all since I’ve been living in Romania. My aunt, who is an elderly woman, is suffering a great deal because of the war. Especially knowing that my daughter and sister are still there in Kiev. She has enough on her plate worrying for them, I don’t want her losing any more sleep over me. But I often dream that I’m going back home. And it’s strange… when I came to Romania, with very few clothes, I was determined to avoid buying things, as I was convinced I would return home soon. And now I’m beginning to buy all kinds of…
I’m away from home, but that doesn’t mean I feel disengaged. I can’t help watching the news, primarily because my folks are there. I’m trying to develop a way of focusing on a single thing when I’m doing something. I don’t want to let my thoughts wonder about. If I’m on the move, then I’m focusing on moving. If I’m eating, then I am making myself aware that I am eating. If I don’t do this, it all just becomes unbearable.
And I put all my hopes in God.
As far as I am concerned, I know that if I’m in a bad way, it won’t help anyone. I have to take care of myself first. Calm down, take a breath and have a cry if I have to. I step outside, so my aunt can’t see me, and I go and find some place to weep. I usually to go to the Lacul Morii, a very beautiful place where I do my exercises, including voice exercises. And the water tends to soothe me. And sometimes I scream to let off steam.
I try to apply these things when working with people. I also do online gym sessions with women in Kiev, people I know and others, and I must say that I was very impressed by the fact that they would show up for the online sessions even during winter, when there was no heat, power or water. They would bring candles, do their best to get an Internet connection, try to find power generators and so on. And we would do gymnastics together. We need to help each other! And I’ll tell you something else: many Ukrainians started perceiving their lives differently, they value every minute now. People say to themselves: I am alive, I am alive, I am alive! Let’s make the most of every minute of life because you never know what tomorrow will bring.”
Editor: Ionuศ Sociu
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Olena Ilienko
